Should You Both Have Equal Say In Everything?

What we are constantly being told through the media and modern society is that couples should have equal say in everything to be fair, keep both happy, and also for equality’s sake.

Common thinking and advice from all experts is we need to make all decisions together as then both with have their input and therefore should agree and be happy with the decision made. This also would support equality in marriage. Is this correct?

Well most relationship advice given is to have equal say in everything which is wrong. Basically to have equal say in everything is like making decisions as a committee which means it takes longer to reach a decision and will not produce the best decision possible. Everyone has different skills and are good at different things. Therefore to have equal say for everyone in everything does not make sense as the decision made then will not produce an optimum outcome.

When building a house you have the carpenter and plumber who are each good at what they do and have different skills. Now should both the carpenter and plumber discuss and have to agree on every part of the job? Should the carpenter also agree with the plumber and have equal say as to how the toilet and drainage pipes be installed? On the other hand should the plumber have equal say as to how the house frame is to be put up? They both know they have different skills so makes no sense for both of them to have equal say in the other’s specialty.

How it usually works is they both trust each other to do their jobs and according to their specialty. However they will confer with each other as to whether what they do will fit in with what the other will do, and keep each other informed as to what they are doing and why and where they are up to.

This should be the same in relationships/marriage. Each person has their own different set of skills so partners should trust the other to do their jobs that they are good at, but keep each other up to date with that they are doing and why.

For example, should the partner with no financial skills (and bad financial record) have equal say in managing money? No, they should have no say in it if you want to have the right decisions being made. They can have a say in what their financial goals are as a couple (for importance of mutual goals read here). However knowing their lack of skills in that matter, the partner with the better skills should be the one allowed to solely manage the finances.

A case is point is Carol and Graham. Carol has always been a borrower and never saved anything but insists on having her say in everything and decisions had to go her way. Graham worked his way up the corporate ladder and became an executive on an executive’s salary. Not surprisingly after 30 years of marriage they ended up having to live on the pension as they had spent all their money on holidays and luxuries. Even any property they had owned was sold to fund the lifestyle that Carol had grown accustomed to.

Graham had to go along with her wishes or there would have been arguments and screaming from her even though he knew better, and as a result of going along with what she wanted they were always under constant financial stress.

So partners should definitely NOT have equal say in all decisions. Personal pride and wants should not get in the way of deciding who is in charge of what according to each partners’ skill sets, as only that way will you have the best decisions being made (without being compromised by the unskilled partner in this), and achieve optimum outcomes. By stepping back and of allowing your partner to make the decisions they are good at is also a matter of trust. That you trust your partner to make the right choices and trust is what is definitely needed if you want your marriage to last.